Monk and the Joker's Girlfriend
by AbynormalBrain
Summary: What if a crime brought together not only the two series, but estranged family members?
1. The Crime

Disclaimer/ Author's Note: I own neither the Batman characters Mort Rainey, The Crow characters or the Monk characters.

"C'mon Mr. Monk, stop acting like a child." Natalie Teeger said in annoyance to her Obsessive Compulsive boss, Adrian Monk.

"I'm not acting like a child, Natalie. I'm acting like my normal self." Monk said, getting out of Natalie's Ford Escape.

Natalie is the assistant to the person who is the closest to actually being Sherlock Holmes. Monk can solve even the trickiest of crimes just by taking a look around the scene of the crime. He was a homicide detective for the San Francisco Police Department , but his mental disorder worsened after the death of his beloved wife and resulted in him becoming a consultant for the police. He has worked on having his status reinstated ever since. See, dear ol' Mr. Monk is afraid of practically everything. He has 312 phobias to be exact. Phobias that range from snakes, heights and germs to lady bugs, glaciers and even milk.

On this day, Monk and Natalie were called out to San Francisco's Botanical Gardens to investigate a case. The rare Bochi Flower that was recently discovered in Lithuania was stolen.

What's so special about this flower you ask? Well, besides the fact it's rare, the gel that can be found if you split the leaves or stems apart, can be used to make a potent neurotoxin or a powerful bomb. It almost makes you wonder why the Bochi Flower was making a tour on 200 botanical gardens if it could be so dangerous in the wrong hands.

"Mr. Monk!"

"Natalie, gardens include six of my phobias! Snakes, dirt, spiders, flies, bees, and smells!" Monk said, naming the phobias off on his fingers.

"You'll be fine. I've got your wipes and everything." Natalie said, leading her boss into a greenhouse.

When they entered the greenhouse, Natalie and Monk noticed that there were two different sets of police, ones with SFPD on their uniforms and ones with GCPD on theirs. They have worked with several other police departments before so it was no surprise to them.

Natalie looked around for the captain of the SFPD, Captain Leland Stottlemeyer, to ask what was going on. She found him and as usual the Lieutenant of the SFPD, Randall 'Randy' Disher wasn't far behind.

"Gotham City Police. Looks like we've got tourists and took the Bochi Flower with them as a souvenir ." Capt. Stottlemeyer replied dryly. "The infamous Poison Ivy wanted it as part of her collection of exotic plant life and San Francisco was as close to Gotham City as it would ever get. We're working together."

"I can see why. Gotham is overridden with criminals. Where was it headed to next?" Natalie asked.

"Mexico City." Lt. Disher replied. "I think it's funny how Poison Ivy's accomplice, whoever it was, yelled quote, 'I'm gonna go Mort Rainey on you're ass!' and hit the victim with a shovel from behind. I've got a cousin who loves that movie." Disher started laughing until he noticed nobody else was and they were staring at him.

"…sorry…"

"All the signs point to Harley Quinn as the accomplice. Her brand wasn't with the Joker's at the bank heist last night back in Gotham. That, and just for fun, The Joker thought he'd break into Gotham Light and Power and shut off all the power in the city." A police officer from Gotham City said, handing Capt. Stottlemeyer a files with the names of 'Harley Quinn' and 'Poison Ivy' a picture of the women on them.

"I hate clowns!" Monk exclaimed, turning away from the offending photographs.

"Well, you don't want to meet this one especially." The Gotham police officer said. "Few people live to tell the tale of The Joker's circus. Harley Quinn may act like a idiot, but she can tote any firearm better than most cops."

"Do they always work in together?" Stottlemeyer asked.

"Usually. She's his girlfriend." The officer replied.

"Hmm, so Harleen Quinzel is her real name." Capt. Stottlemeyer mused, reading Quinn's file.

"Wait! What's her name?" Lt. Disher asked in alarm.

"Harleen Quinzel. Something wrong, Randy?"

"Is something wrong? Captain, Harleen Quinzel is my cousin!"


	2. Going to Gotham

Disclaimer: Don't own Rocky Horror! Thank Richard O' Brien!

"Randy, are you serious?" Natalie asked, in astonishment. Natalie had heard of Harley Quinn while she did share a passing resemblance and several personality quirks (loyalty that is almost a fault, clumsiness, among others) with Randy, she never thought they could be related!

"Yeah, I think so, but the last I heard of her was she was an intern at Gotham's Arkham Asylum…"

The Gotham police officer finished Lt. Disher's sentence, "where she fell head over heels for the Joker whose treatment she was put in charge of, he busted out, Batman brought him back, that night, she broke him out and we revoked her license. They've been in hiding and in and out of Arkham ever since. Together or separate. The asylum never keeps them long. One always busts the other out or gets out on his or her own."

Stunned by the latest news on his cousin, Disher sat down. "Oh my god. I-I-I doubt even her parents know. They're so proud of her for getting out of that small town… He's twice her age!"

"Randy, I think you shouldn't be on this case since a family member is involved. I'm reassigning you to Holmes/Crick case, the arson one." Capt. Stottlemeyer said to his Lieutenant.

"No, Captain, I'm gonna go to Gotham, find Harley and straighten her ass out before her father does! I might even kick The Joker's for good measure!" Disher, said standing up and walking to his car.

"I wouldn't advise that, Lieutenant. I don't wanna come back to Gotham and order a clean up team to clean your guts up from a Tilt-A-Whirl like the last guy who messed with The Joker." The Gotham officer said.

"I've got a gun." Disher replied.

"Yeah, well he has several!" The officer said, as Lt. Disher got in his car and took off.

Before he got on the interstate, he went home to get a few things. Clothes, cash, toothbrush, ect. Once back one the road, he didn't stop driving until he got to Gotham.

Around three in the morning, Disher knew he was getting close to Gotham. Everything was darker, dirtier, and dingier. Being so close to Gotham even affected him. He started to worry about his favorite cousin, Harley.

'I wonder what he does to her? Does he rape her? Hurt her, try to kill her? Do I want to know?'

Then, he started to feel depressed and thought it was all a lost cause.

'Maybe that other officer was right…I should just turn around and go home. I'm no match for the Joker. They'll probably have to clean my guts up from five different buildings if I try to find Harley.'

Anger wasn't far behind.

'If he harmed one hair on her head, I'll murder him and they'll have to clean _his_ guts up from _six_ different buildings!'

Soon after that last thought, Disher arrived in Gotham. He could see why the Joker and his gang took inspiration from 'The Crow.' Gotham City look just like the city in that movie! It was dark, dirty, and depressing.

It was a haven for law breakers. In his first five minutes in the city, Disher saw five separate drug deals. Usually, the Lieutenant would apprehend the stoners, but his mind was focused squarely on finding Harley and bringing her home.

Lt. Disher formed a plan of action in his mind. He'd check into a hotel, get some food and sleep, and when it got dark, he take a walk through the slums of Gotham. Maybe he'd find something that'd lead him to her.

Though, he wasn't getting his hopes up.

~*~

Around ten that night, Disher set out for Harley.

Generally, Disher was a naïve person, but not naïve enough to walk around this particular city late at night without his gun close at hand.

He walked about ten minutes and in that time range he was offered drugs by people half his age, offered sex by prostitutes that were either half his age or _he_ was half _their_ age, and asked for change by homeless men and women numerous times.

Suddenly, a speeding car passed by with loud music on the speakers, followed by a second without audible music. First car had voices in there singing along. They were probably going twenty over, but the first wasn't fast enough for him to not catch a small part the song that was blaring on the speakers.

_I'm just a sweet transvestite!_

"That's Rocky Horror! Harley loves that movie too! That could be her in there!"

Lt. Disher ran as fast as he could, trying to chase the speeding car, but it was in vain. Sort of. He got the license plate number…

~*~

"Any luck finding your cousin? Is she ok?" Natalie asked, on the phone with Randy.

"Sorta…last night a speeding car passed me blaring a Rocky Horror song. She loved Rocky Horror ever since she was sixteen."

"What's Rocky Horror?" He heard Monk ask Natalie.

"Mr. Monk, you don't want to know." Natalie returned her attention back to Disher. "So you think it was her?"

Disher sighed, "I dunno. Got the license plate number though. I'm kinda startin' to doubt it though. She always drove kinda slow. She was always paranoid about gettin' into an accident…"

"Well, look about who she's been around for the last few years! I mean, The Joker and his gang are exactly what you'd call fine, upstanding citizens." Natalie replied. "Maybe she wasn't driving at all. Maybe she was The Joker or someone." She added.

"Yeah…yeah, I think I saw four people in that car." The Lieutenant said.

He happened a glance at the muted TV. The morning news was on. On the news banner below the newscasters was the words "THE JOKER STRIKES AGAIN".

Disher reached for the remote on the hotel bed and turned the volume back on.

"Natalie, I'll hafta call ya back…"

He hung up before Natalie could say goodbye.

"Around nine thirty last night, the notorious Joker murdered yet another DA and torched her apartment. He was not caught, but his trademark playing card; a joker, was found at the scene."

"Oh God, Harley…what's he got you doin'?"


	3. Finding Harley

Chapter three: Finding Harley

Later that night, Disher set out again, but a different route. A different route, but the same thing drugs, prostitutes, ect. It made him want to take several showers.

After several minutes of walking and trying not to look like a peeping tom, Randy heard the muted notes of a Rocky Horror song.

"_Let's do the Time Warp again! It's just a jump to the left…"_

Randy felt hopeful for the first time since he arrived in Gotham, but he didn't let himself get too hopeful. After all, Rocky Horror is a cult-classic, a lot of people like it. The chances that it was actually his cousin Harley blaring that music was slim.

He started to follow the music. As the music got louder and louder, he started to get anxious. What if it wasn't really Harley and he made an idiot of himself barging into a stranger's house? Then again, what if it _was _Harley and he sees something that he wish he didn't? She _is_ the Joker's girlfriend after all…

The music led him to an abandoned warehouse. This was it, he didn't come all the way to Gotham just to turn around now! Randy opened the door and found her. There she was, dressed in nothing but a red, barely there teddy with her hair up in pigtails, dancing the Time Warp.

"RANDY!" Harley exclaimed in horror, turning off the blaring music with a remote and covering herself from her cousin's eyes.

"Harley…you're blonde!" Randy said smiling like an idiot, not even noticing her lack of dress.

"Randy. What. Are. You. Doing. Here!? Mistah J will be back any second!" Harley said through gritted teeth.

"I've come to take you away from him! That and San Francisco PD, along with Gotham PD is coming to arrest you for stealing that flower!"

"First of all, I don't have that flower, Red has it. Second, I'm not goin' anywhere! I love Mistah J and he loves me, so there!" Harley said like child, crossing her arms and sticking out her tongue.

"Really?" Randy said skeptically, walking up to his cousin with a plan forming in his mind.

"Yep."

Randy said nothing and grabbed Harley, tossing her over his shoulder as though she were a sack of potatoes.

Harley screamed and began pounding Randy in the back with her fists and kicking him in the chest with her bare feet. She was able to extricate herself from him by using his chest as a dismount board in gymnastics, jumping out his hold. Randy fell backwards with the air knocked from him. He was momentarily too stunned to react and Harley used it as an opportunity to grab Randy and toss him outside, locking the door behind her. She leaned on the door with a sigh of relief.

Randy stood outside, stunned that his cousin, his favorite cousin at that, had thrown him out and had used him as a dismount board.

"I only did that 'cuz I love ya, Randy! Ya better skedaddle, before Mistah J comes back and hurts ya!" Harley said from the other side of the door.

"C'mon, Harl! I haven't seen you in ages! I just want to talk to you! Can I at least buy you lunch tomorrow?" Randy pleaded.

Harley paused, making Randy wonder if she heard him through the heavy door. "Harley?"

"Fine. Meet me in the park at noon."

"Great!" Randy said excitedly. "I'll be there!" With that he hurried off, clicking his heels.

The first thing he did when he got back to his hotel was call Natalie. It didn't even bother him that he didn't have a girlfriend to call instead.

"Natalie! I found her!" He exclaimed.

"You did? Randy that's great! Are you bringing her home?" Natalie asked.

"Uh…no..not yet." Randy said quickly. "But I talked to her and we're going have lunch tomorrow! I'm sure I can get her to come home after that!" He said excitedly.

Randy heard Natalie talking to someone on the other end. "Mr. Monk want to say hi." Natalie said in annoyance.

"Hi Randy." Monk said.

"Hey Monk, how's life?" Randy asked, but Natalie was back on.

"That's wonderful, Randy! Just get her away from that horrible man!"

"I will, Natalie. I will." He promised.


	4. A Talk in the Park

Author's note: There's a play list for this story on my profile, go check it out and review!

Randy went to Gotham park that next day around noon. It was a beautiful day in Gotham for once, the infamous Senior Skip Day to be exact. The sun was shining brightly and the weather was warm enough for short sleeves or a light jacket, depending on the person.

Randy began to walk around the park casually with his hands in his pockets, looking for his estranged cousin. He finally found her, walking towards him. She was actually decently dressed for once in a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and a little scarf tied around her neck. Her blonde her was out of their pigtails and down.

"Glad to see you lived through the night." Randy said, meaning for it to sound like a joke, but he didn't realize he really meant it until after it had escaped his lips.

Harley gave an impish smile, "Mistah J isn't that bad, Randy."

Randy snorted. "Neither is Darth Vader…"

"Oh c'mon, Randy! You've dated worse!" Harley said, playfully jabbing him in the shoulder. "Remember that girl from the Chinese Mafia? She tried to kill ya!"

"Hey! She saved me that one time! How did you know about that?"

"I've got connections." Harley said mischievously.

"Whatever. C'mon let's get something to eat. Mickey D's ok?" Randy asked.

"Sounds great!"

As they ordered their lunch, Randy easily recognized that the cashier was high and wanted to exacerbate the situation for the stoned McDonald's worker by talking like Boomhauer from 'King of the Hill'.

"I'll tell you what man, I wanna dang ol' Big Mac and cheese burger with dang ol' large French fries, I'm talking large, man, _large_!" He used his hands to describe how large he wanted. "and two vanilla milkshakes, man." Randy said hurriedly, purposely stuttering and muttering. All the while, Harley was behind him, trying to hold back her laughter.

The cashier gave him a dazed and confused look and said, "Do you want fries with that?"

Sometime later, they had gotten their food and was able to take it back to the park, sitting down on a bench.

"I can't believe ya did that." Harley said, laughing.

"That was priceless." Randy replied, shoving fries into his mouth.

"So dearest cousin, tell me about your life today."

"Nah, you don't want to hear that."

"Yeah I do!"

"Ok, fine. I'm the lieutenant of the San Francisco Police. I have no girlfriend or anything else good to say about my life." Randy said.

"Do ya still have that cheesy garage band and do ya still like Captain America?" Harley asked.

"I love The Captain! And my band is _not_ cheesy!" Randy retorted.

Harley giggled. "Sure Randy…whateva get ya through the day…"

For awhile, they ate in silence. "Randall?" Harley asked.

"Yeah?"

"Remember that old farm house that wasn't even 20 feet from my grandma's and grandpa's back yard? Y'know..the grandma with the Alzheimer's?"

Disher grinned, "Yeah. I remember how I used to try to scare you and our other cousins sayin' that inside was the bodies of the farmer and his wife. Actually, that's what I thought was in there and it scared me, so I tried to scare everybody else."

"Heh, well…it worked." Harley confirmed.

There was a silence again between the family members.

"Y'know…." the Lieutenant paused, then started again, "Y'know…they took her away."

"Yeah.. I heard. What happened exactly? I mean, they've been tryin' to put her away since I was fifteen."

"She tried to drive to the store, but got lost. Grandpa was home and everything. Out in the yard mowin'. DHS declared that she was a harm to herself."

"I hope they treat her better than the Arkham folks treated me and Mistah. J." Harley said.

"No, it's a great place. Saw it myself." Randy said, then paused. "Why did you fall for him, Harl? The Joker?" Randy said, seriously. To his surprise, Harley looked him straight in the eyes.

"Because he offered me an escape. An escape from who I used to be." She sighed, " I was such a good girl before him and college. I started partying hard and more than I should've. Then I heard Grandma was getting bad. I told Mr. J about her before we started datin' and when I was still his therapist. He told me she couldn't forget me if she didn't know me. Not twenty four hours later, I became 'Harley Quinn.' It's safe to say I'm attracted to him in as many ways a woman can be to a man."

"But he hurts you, doesn't he?"

"Yeah. Yeah he does, but not all the time." Harley said, managing a small smile.

"Let me guess, the other part of the time he ignores you. I know criminals, Harl. They'll are the same. You should be away from him and back on your meds!"

"C'mon Randy, you're startin' to sound like my mom. To tell ya the truth, I'm afraid to go back on my meds 'cause I'm afraid I won't love Mistah J anymore."

"Great! Let's get you back on 'em!" Randy said happily.

"Randy…"

"I'm not going to get you back, home, aren't I?" Randy asked, knowingly.

"Most likely."

"Just do me one favor, Harl. Don't let him use you as his own personal punching bag."

"I'll try not to."

With that, the two cousins got up and hugged each other. Then, they went their separate ways.

"You still got my cell number, right?" Randy yelled to Harley, turning around and walking backwards.

"274-9246?" Harley yelled back, stopping and turning around.

"That's it!" He said, giving her two thumbs up as she gave him the OK sign.

Randy wasn't sure if he was going to leave that next morning or wait around a few more days to see if Harley decided to come around. Randy was sure, though, that he was going to stay the rest of the night. He had a feeling that he needed to.


	5. A Writer's Plea for Help

Hey everyone! First off, I want to apologize profusely for the lack of updates. I have unintentionally been abusing my stories and readers. Several issues have stopped me from writing and I hate it. I'm just not me when I'm not writing and I don't feel productive. Secondly, I want to assert that NONE of my stories are discontinued. I do intend to finish them. By the way things are going right now, that could take years. Literally. I desperately need a beta reader. Constructive criticism could help me get back on my feet in terms of writing. So, if you're up to being my beta, please message me ASAP.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.


	6. Chapter 6

Early the next morning, Randy was awoken by the ringing of his cell phone. He knew it was Stottlemeyer because his personalized ring tone was playing.

"You have a collect call from a federal corrections institution, do you accept the charge?" The phone chattered. Harley's ring tone was Paparazzi by Lady Gaga.

"Hello?" He said groggily.

"Randy, Gotham PD has finished their investigation, they're returning to Gotham as we speak. An all-points-bulletin is being put out for the Joker, Poison Ivy and your cousin. The police still in Gotham are already looking for them. I'm not telling you to hurry up and bring your cousin home," he paused, thinking, "just do whatever you have to do."

"I will, Captain." Randy replied.

After the phone call, Randy was on the move. He hurriedly made his way to the abandoned warehouse Harley now called home. His heart ached for her having to live in such a place.

"Harley, c'mon open up." He said loudly, banging on the door.

"Good morning, may I assist you with your quandary instead?" The door had opened, but it wasn't by Harley. It was the Joker, smiling evilly.

"I know about you. You're the dopey Lieutenant for the San Francisco Police Department. You're also my Harley's cousin and want to take her home and we're not going to have any of that." The Joker said, slowly walking towards Randy as Randy tried to steer clear. He ran out of space. The Joker had him backed up against the metal staircase railing. The Joker was still smiling, but his tone was deadly.

"Has anyone ever told you that you sound like an older Luke Skywalker?" Randy asked nervously, trying to diffuse the situation.

"I hate Luke Skywalker!" The Joker barked. "All he does is bitch and moan!"

From over the Joker's shoulder, Randy saw Harley sneaking up on him.

"I'm not going to let you take my Harley. If you do, you won't live to regret it." The Joker continued. Suddenly he gasped and seconds later, toppled backward, unconscious.

"Sorry Puddin'" Harley said, holding a syringe.

"What did you just do?" Randy asked, his heart still thumping wildly from his encounter with the Joker, as Harley pulled his lifeless body back inside.

Randy went inside the warehouse with them, shutting the door behind him.

"I gave him a tranquilizer." Harley replied nonchalantly as she dragged the Joker towards a bed. "A little help?" She asked, nodding to his body.

"I'm not helping you coddle a man that abuses you!" Randy said in disgust. Harley rolled her eyes as she hauled her lover's body onto the bed, tucked him in and kissed his forehead.

"Where did you get the tranquilizer anyway?" Randy asked aloud, more for to himself however. He looked around the room, until he saw something familiar hidden under a table. He walked to the table and moved the clutter away, it was a medical bag like that kind his aunt (Harley's mother), a registered nurse, used. He remembered seeing it whenever he would go to her house. Getting onto his knees, he unzipped the bag, wanting to know it's contents. Inside, he found it laden with psychiatric medications specialized in schizophrenia, mood alterers, sedatives and tranquilizers. He was astonished to see that none of the drugs were near the expiration date. That meant that Harley replenished her stock regularly.

"You steal these from Arkham?" Randy asked.

"If it makes ya feel any better, the bag is mine." Harley said sadly, knowing she hurt her beloved cousin. "I used it when I still had my license. All the meds are for Mistah J. I slip them into his food and drinks when I think he could have an unwanted outburst like what ya just saw. If I don't have the time, I tranquilize him and he wakes up not rememberin' anything."

"Why don't you keep him on his meds, Harl?"

"'Cause them he's just not Mistah J!"

"Maybe that's good thing!" Randy countered. "Look, I know you won't leave him, but-" He was cut off by the door being broke down.

"FREEZE!" A Gotham City police officer said, pointing a gun at Harley as another pointed at Randy.

"Yes, osifer." Harley said giggling, with her hands in the air.

"Harley!" Randy reprimanded.

"Oh c'mon, Randy, I'm gettin' arrested. I might as well have fun while I'm at it. Mistah J and I get arrest several times a year, alls they do is put us back in Arkham. The affect has worn off." Harley explained, sticking her tongue out at the officers.

"You can put your hands down Lieutenant."

Randy did as told and watched as Harley and the Joker were put in squad cars.

"But I don't want to tap dance with the spiders…" the Joker muttered incoherently.

Later, Randy visited Harley at the police station where she and Joker were being held until they could be transferred back to Arkham. He learned from one of the officers that Poison Ivy had been located and was en route to the every same police station.

"You okay?" He asked.

"Yeah I'm fine. I heard they caught Ivy, too."

"Yep, they haven't found that flower yet, though." Randy replied.

"Randy? Will ya do me favor? It's nothing bad, I promised." Harley asked.

"Yeah, what is it?"

"Will ya give my grandma some flowers for me? There's a particular one back at the warehouse I think she'll like." Harley winked.

Randy knew she was talking about the Bochi flower.

She continued, "It's in the wall, 713. No more than two flowers! Ya can do whateva ya want to when you're done!" Harley was careful about what she said, knowing that police were close by.

Randy nodded, "I will, Harley."

She smiled, "Thanks, cuz. I love ya."

"I love you, too Harley."

Randy soon made his way back to the warehouse. The crime scene investigators had picked most of the place clean, but Harley's medical bag was still in it's hiding spot. He knew that Harley and the Joker would escape Arkham, if not their holding cells and would go back to a life of crime. As far as he knew, it was illegal to sentence the mentally ill to death.

"It's in the wall…"Randy repeated Harley's words. "It has to be a wall safe." He searched the walls with his hands until he felt a hollow part. He found the opening by searching it's outline in the wall. Inside was the Bochi flower. He took a single from it and put it in his pocket. Without the rest of the flower, it looked like a garden variety plant.

He took the rest of the plant and burned it in Gotham woods, so no one else could use the flower.

With the flower in tow, he returned to San Francisco. He meant with Monk, Natalie and the Captain the morning after he returned.

"Is she home?" Natalie asked.

Randy shook his head, "Nah, she and the Joker are back in Arkham. She's too caught up in him to leave. I'm not happy about it and still worried about her, but she has it covered."

"Did you find the flower?" Monk asked.

"Yeah and I disposed of it too."

Stottlemeyer patted him on the back, "Good job Randy."

On his lunch break, he paid a visit to his and Harley's grandmother. Several of their other family members were there as well.

"Hey grandma! This is from Harley." He said, handing her a small vase with a flower from the Bochi flower in it.

"Harleen? She's something else…"His grandma said.

"Yep, she is."

After these events, Harley and Randy kept in touch.

Thanks for sticking by in this hiatus! Also, check my profile for my live journal so you can keep up with what's going on with your story!


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